And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
