just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize