I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
