Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
