today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You're like the curious george of whores
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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