when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
