I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
