There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Randomize
