I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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