My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
