I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
