I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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