U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
