There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
