My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
