every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
