I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
