I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
that may or may not have been my penis.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
