He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
