I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
