Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
