i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize