Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
