There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
