Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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