Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
