i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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