I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I need a beard to bite.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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