He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
