Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
