I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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