I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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