true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
