i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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