Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
