You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
