now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
