I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
