I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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