Where did you get a picture of my penis
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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