She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
