It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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