Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
