im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
