things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
