Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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