FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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