Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
My penis needs a shock collar
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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