Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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