his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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