Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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