Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
