He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
