I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
