So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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