Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
