I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
