I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
